Through the pain

When the past is treated as the past, you think the pain is over. The funny thing is that my one true heartbreak has come back to haunt me in the past year. Please don't misunderstand me. I've been over him for a very long time (even before what I will only refer to as the night my heart was ripped out and my best friend got the phone call she never expected to get though I had told her the previous summer that the day would come). It's just that I drowned the pain with relationships. Now that I have been single for a while, I remember the pain. I relive it to heal totally, because when I meet someone special, I want my heart to be whole again. I don't want to say I immerse myself in my pain, but I do let myself feel it. It's not that I want to suffer. It's that I want to be a whole person. I've fragmented myself into feeling like my life is made up of discrete pieces instead of a flowing whole. I've made myself incomplete. Now I want to recapture the parts of myself that I left behind. I can no longer go through life as if the only thing that matters is starting over. I can't start over. I've got over 26 years old history behind me. The past is the past, but it isn't unimportant to the now. I want to be the girl who is completely free to be herself, all that she is. So yes, I got my heart broken. But I am alive. And I can carry the lessons with me.