On Waiting

Forever

This song used to remidn me of anonymous, but that time has long since passed.

To my exes

Follow up video

Not so much

Two boys

Can I handle two of them?

Partying With Friends

Sandy and I are hitting Jon and Cindy's party next weekend.

Oh yes the queen bee is back!

I am back on top! Woo-hoo!

On way or another I'll have him

Whether it's a kiss in a bar or a date or whatever, I will have him in some way.

Ugh

Someone needs to keep me on a leash. I flirt too much.

Too Cute

He's so damn hot! It's so not fair that I am kept in this state of anticipation, though part of me likes the excitement. I want to make a move, but being a bit mysterious in my feelings towards him keeps him wondering and interested.

Oops I Got Asked Out Again

But not by who I want!

Ever said something that came out wrong?

That's the problem with online communication. All the playfulness doesn't come across, and you get labelled as the queen bitch because something you said was misunderstood.

Anti-Dating

Spending time with my male friends is sort of anti-dating. It is completely devoid of the games that get played when two people are interested in one another.

Biology and the Single Girl

Wow, today it crossed my mind that most of the couples I know may be together for reasons that are............biologically-driven. If they don't share the same hair color, they are the same height with similar body shapes or of the same ethnic background. It's all about reproduction! How much of our behavior is driven by our biology? Are we trapped in a merry go round of behaviors driven by the need to pass on our characteristics? I am, of course, ready to swear up and down that the reason I check out every attractive redhaired man I see has nothing to do with biology. It's hair loyalty! Ok, it's also unusual. Biology? Nah.

Even sassy me feels below standards at times

There's nothing really wrong. It's just been a long week, full of stress and change. I'm bored right now, so the insecurities all human beings harbor want to come out and play. Suddenly, my life seemed so much better being a size 8 than the size 12 I wear now. Would losing 20 lb make me beautiful, happy, and fulfilled? Nope. If I wasn't hormonal, I'd be in a better mood. That much is true. Losing weight might get me more attention, but I already get more than my fair share, imcluding random rich old men proposing to me on the street, sexy Latin cops telling me they are looking for a woman to settle down with, and shy 20 somethings smiling at me and softly saying hi. Do I need more than this? Not really. Except...there's always an exception, isn't there? There's someone in particular that I want to go out with. I don't know for sure what he thinks of me. So I'm feeling rejected even though he's nowhere around to reject me right now. He doesn't even seem like he would reject me. So what is my problem? My problem is that some part of me still feels like an ugly duckling redheaded freak geek. I've still got glasses and crooked teeth, but most men seem to think I'm rather attractive. This feeling will pass. I will wake up tomorrow with this as my only proof of feeling this way.

I already feel better. I'm my usual sassy self again.

My year of no serious dating

Other than the fling I had with a friend named Joe from August to October while he was at school in Washington (yes, the state on the other coast), I have been without a serious relationship for a year. Obviously a fling can't be serious, but it was supposed to be exclusive, so it has to be counted for something. Regardless, I have managed not to have anything serious for a whole year. I feel pretty good about that. It gave me time to reconnect with myself.

It really is a couple's world

Let's see how many couples I know.

Jon and Cindy (married)
Lynn and Tom (married)
Sandy and Chris (engaged)
Cora and Chris (engaged)
Christina and Ben (engaged)
Ewa and Isuma
Duane and Katie
Scott and Liz
Ken and the nurse

plus so many more


Ok, so it really is a couple's world. I'm not the only single: Kevin, Theresa, and Magda are also single. I don't even mind being single right now. I can date who I want. But there's that annoying part about not wanting to go on a second date with anyone. I haven't been in a relationship since October, if you can even call that two months of craziness a relationship. I want to call it failed-attempt that I knew would fail. I wanted it to fail. So it did. Before that was Glenn, which was a ten month mistake. Before that I was engaged-I damn near wrecked my life. Kissing couples all over are grossing me out. It's not jealousy. It's me being cynical. Do I even want to be cynical?
Sure, I have great reasons to be, but do I want to be this cynical? I'm going to be Sandy's maid of honor. Cynical won't work when one of my best friends is promising to spend the rest of her life with this one guy, to be faithful, to have his children, to never look back basically. I think those are great things. Maybe it's about that whole concept that I don't believe in. I believe in being faithful. I want to get married someday and have 12 children (most likely adopting some-I'm no spring chicken). So why does this all make me want to cring or at least roll my eyes discreetly?Because they are all thinking in terms of "the one."
Please. Spare me. No other human being is going to fulfill you if you aren't fulfilled. No other human being is going to complete you, and you damn well better be a whole person before you chose one person to be with forever or for a long time. No man is going to make you any better than what you are. Don't people believe in intrinsic worth anymore? What's with all this talk of a man making a woman what she is? What the hell? Who were you before then? What were you before?
Come on now. You can't really buy into this bull, can you? You don't need a man to give you identity or worth or anything else. Be with someone because he makes you laugh or because he is a great human being. Don't be with someone because you think he can give you whatever is missing inside of you. No other mere mortal can do that. If you go looking for people to fill you up, you'll always be empty.
Now I'm not saying that those couples aren't going to work out or that they have all the wrong reasons. For all I know, they know something I don't. I just don't want to watch any of my friends fall to pieces because a relationship they made their everything fell apart. These people, though, might be together forever. It's not really about them. It's about waking up to a realization that other people can't take away our hollowness. We either fill up ourselves with God's help, or we drown in misery looking for other human beings to do the impossible. I can't do that anymore.
I don't need a man to fulfill me. I don't need a man to tell me I'm ok. I don't need a man to make me feel like I have a justification to exist. The fact that I exist justifies itself. I have worth because I am a human being, made in the image of God, loved by God. I don't need a man. I may want a man. I may someday again love a man. But I don't need a man. I am good enough, right now, just as I am. I'm really ok. My life isn't perfect, and I'm not perfect, but human perfection is an illusion. I can live without illusions that damage me. I can accept the truth of life.

Why I Don't Believe In The One

Most people who know me would have a hard time accepting that I don't believe in some foolish romantic concept of "the one." First, I'm a virgin. If I'm waiting for marriage, I have to believe in the one, right? Wrong. Second, I'm Catholic, so I believe God has this planned out for me, right? Sure, I believe God will bring me someone good, someone who it work out with. That's not what I mean about not believing in the one. Besides, humans have free will. God isn't forcing anything on anyone. Third, I've been engaged, so I have to believe that there is a soulmate out there for me, right? My engagement was a mistake that I made years ago. I'm not looking for a soulmate. I already have two best friends who are my soulmates. I don't need someone to complete me.
So what do I believe in? I believe in friendship. I believe in loving someone else deeply as a human being. I believe in love. Being in love often seems to be nothing more than an illusion. Will I ever fall in love again? Probably time and time again. I've only really loved once, though, and I only want to experience that type of love once more, if ever-if I'm even capable of experiencing it again. I'm more cynical after that experience than I was before, and that's saying something. I was as cynical as I thought I could get back then. I rolled my eyes at Valentine's Day. I challenged fate to bring someone along who I would finally love. I thought it was impossible, but it happened. I'm not so stupid now. I have no interest in challenging fate. I know where that gets me.
I just can't believe in this idea of a romantic soulmate. I can't believe in "the one." I've been so wrapped up in guys in the past that I thought they were "the one." Now I'm older, a little more experienced, and a lot more disillusioned. Some part of me knew these guys were not guys I would spend my life with. I was right. I couldn't. They were guys I needed out of my life. What's the big deal about "the one," anyway? Relationships based on infatuation fall apart after that passes, so let's go into them knowing they are just for now. Let's not fool ourselves.

Looking at two posts ago

I'm asking myself if I would want him to know. It seems to risky, with how much I'll be bumping into him, for awhile anyway. It could be humiliating. It's not that I lack confidence. It's that I'm thinking this through.

I Can't Help It

I check out guys. I just can't help it.

Do I like someone? No comment

Seriously, I do like someone. I don't know if he knows it, but I know I am going to faint if he holds my hand one more time. Ok, so I won't actually faint. I just might turn ten progressive shades of pink. He's an adorable boy. I can't help but like him. He's funny.

No

I got asked out by a 35 year old Baptist man. I was going to go out, but he's too old, and I've already seen the danger of dating fundamentalists.