Ewa and Isuma

I may very well be misspelling the name of Ewa's not-quite-boyfriend. (By the way, Ewa is pronounced just like Ewa. She's from Poland.) I haven't ever met him, but I know he's Catholic. I also know his family is against their relationship because they are of different ethnicities. I think her family would be upset as well. We still live in a world where different ethnic backgrounds can cause tension, even amongst Catholics. I'm naive enough to forget those things when I am not face to face with them. He sounds nice enough, though his beliefs regarding women and men belong in the dark ages.

Sandy and Chris

Sandy, one of my two best friends, and Chris, her boyfriend for the second time around (they decided to be only unofficially engaged until he gives her the ring in November or December), are planning on getting married sometime in the next two years, and Sandy has decided that I will be her maid of honor. My only doubt is that I fear Chris has only changed on the surface. I base this on nothing more than my belief that people don't change (unless something shakes their world apart). Perhaps I am wrong. I haven't seen Chris since I told him off at Sandy's 22nd birthday party (and she's 23 now). I hope I am wrong. I suppose it's only natural to feel concern for one's closest friends.

Establishing Boundaries

Something that came to my attention yesterday was that I still have a great need to establish boundaries early and stick to them unwaveringly.

Hmm

I'm having a conversation with the most interesting boy. So much like me in some ways.

Through the pain

When the past is treated as the past, you think the pain is over. The funny thing is that my one true heartbreak has come back to haunt me in the past year. Please don't misunderstand me. I've been over him for a very long time (even before what I will only refer to as the night my heart was ripped out and my best friend got the phone call she never expected to get though I had told her the previous summer that the day would come). It's just that I drowned the pain with relationships. Now that I have been single for a while, I remember the pain. I relive it to heal totally, because when I meet someone special, I want my heart to be whole again. I don't want to say I immerse myself in my pain, but I do let myself feel it. It's not that I want to suffer. It's that I want to be a whole person. I've fragmented myself into feeling like my life is made up of discrete pieces instead of a flowing whole. I've made myself incomplete. Now I want to recapture the parts of myself that I left behind. I can no longer go through life as if the only thing that matters is starting over. I can't start over. I've got over 26 years old history behind me. The past is the past, but it isn't unimportant to the now. I want to be the girl who is completely free to be herself, all that she is. So yes, I got my heart broken. But I am alive. And I can carry the lessons with me.

Changes

http://www.slambook.com/siteapps/slambook/skins/Classic/view-sb.asp?sid=aihrilqzaikd&rnd=3632&SlambookID=612856

The first and last entries are mine. The newest is from today and the first is from 2001. Suddenly, I want to cry. My heart just broke all over again.

By the way, notice two other people on there. Jon is my friend Jonathan from church, and leebal is my ex Brian.

My relationship with Glenn

For the last full-length entry about my ten weirdest relationships.
I met Glenn at school, much like I met James, except not in class. Actually, James witnessed us meeting and much of our relationship. I remember he said, "Last week you were declaring your undying love for me, and now you're with someone else." For the record, I met Glenn in September (and I had broken up with James in August). Glenn worked in IT, which was what I was majoring in at the time (until it damn near bored me to death). Glenn and I were together for about 10 months (if you count the three weeks we took to get to know each other, it was slightly more, if you don't count it, it was just short of 10 months by a week). He swears I didn't dump him, though I sent him a breakup email (which he responded to) after he left my house on our last date. We were pretty close while we were together. In the last two months, we grew apart, and the last month was not good. He was a bit perverted for me. He had way too sexual ideas. But somehow I felt like he was never attracted to me. I can't explain. I really thought he loved me, though. I was really wrong. In my second semester away from him, he told me that he had really was the person he had been until the last two months and that his family problems had caused him to act that way.He also denied cheating on me. Come on. He was paying for blowjobs from hookers before we were exclusive. Am I supposed to believe he stopped when we became exclusive? Even I'm not that naive. I wanted him, though. I wanted to spend my life with him.

My relationship with James

We met in ethics class, after anonymous had broke my heart for the third and final time. We argued in class, so I was upset when my friend Julia invited him on our (me, her, and Kim) girls' night out. He wasn't thrilled to see me either. But we got along great that night and became friends. I use the word friends lightly there because we were never just friends really. Our two or three weeks of friendship was a quick lead in to a relationship. We talked a lot on the phone and decided to hang out. We went to Spoons, then I invited him to come to church with me. I will never forget Jonathan telling me that James must like me, because a Southern Baptist would never otherwise set foot in a Catholic Church. I wasn't sure. I thought so, but I had some insecurities. To the girls at school, James was a cute, tall, almost blonde basketball player. He was not the type of guy I usually went out with. He was also two years younger than me. We were nuts about each other, I have to admit. Unfortunately, we wanted to take each other's clothes off, which can be a real problem for two Christians. No, we didn't have sex, but we weren't the best with boundaries. We were alone together far too much to not be tempted by each other. He got turned on every time we kissed, and if we kissed for too long, so did I. He was a great kisser (except the first kiss). I think we got engaged just because we wanted to take each other to bed. No, seriously, we thought we were in love. We were actually just infatuated. I've never since asked him if he still thinks he actually loved me back then. I know he mentioned that he finds it hard to look at me even now (hey, I can't help it if he still finds me attractive-but I don't want him back, and he's got a girlfriend). Things got terrible after a while, and I dumped him two months after we got engaged.

My relationship with Brian

This happened during my three years of flirting with anonymous. Brian was...this is not as bad as it sounds...hear the whole story...a seminarian when I met him. We were JUST friends. I did not steal his vocation. I am not the reason that he left the seminary. He left because he wanted to. At some point he asked me out. I first said no, but I changed my mind because he really liked me. Well, he fell in love with me, and I later found out that I broke his heart the way anonymous broke mine. I still feel bad.

My relationship with anonymous

The man that I can never name. We flirted for years, but we were never together. He never knew I fell in love with him. I have never loved anyone else. I only thought I did. I loved him enough to put his happiness about my own pain (which meant keeping my mouth shut after...well, I can't explain that without revealing his identity). Let me just say that I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I saw him around and never thought anything more than he seemed like a nice guy but shy. Then he shook my hand for the first time and looked into my eyes. Something happened. I can't explain it. I remember thinking that I would fall in love with him if I didn't stay away from him, but I couldn't stay away. I couldn't deny to myself that I was in love with him after three months. In truth, I feel in love with him before that. I loved his soul. That's the truth of it. He was cute, but it wasn't about that. I could see the pain in his eyes. He seemed so lonely. It took me three years to stop being in love with him. He was all I wanted back then. I damn near ruined my life after I stopped being in love with him. I made the dumbest decisions.

My relationship with Donald

This was a tough one. We were together for 8 months. It was a very negative relationship. I don't think my head ever fully recovered from when it hit the school hallway floor when he knocked me to the ground. It was bad.

My relationship with Eddie

We met at the beach. We only saw each other twice, never kissed, talked on the phone a few times, and never actually broke up.

My relationship with Dustin

Dustin was my last boyfriend that school year. He was intelligent, funny, sweet, and adorable. My own redheaded boyfriend. He put his hands on my ass once, but he never tried anything again after I told him how uncool that was. I would have stayed with him if there wasn't so much pressure from my friends to leave him so I could have a summer fling after that school year. Two months, then I foolishly dumped him. He brought me a rose and drew me a picture.

My relationship with Sean

This one lasted two weeks. Sean was a childhood best friend. He was cute but young. I felt awkward with him. This was the last time I ever got dumped. He dumped me for avoiding him. He pushed me into my first French kiss. Need I say how awful it was?

My Relationship With Ryan

I went out with Ryan for 3 days. We broke up one night at a dance (yes, I actually got dumped), and he immediately tried to go out with this other girl there, which didn't work. My cousin Jimmy was there and threatened to beat him up. Ryan and I had kissed once, the day before, which was brief and boring. I didn't even want to, and I was sorry that I did.

I've Been Insulted

This guy from myspace, a Catholic, asked me to IM him. When I did, he asked if we could hump! I gave a definite no! How rude. How insulting.

When you know you did wrong

I got myheart broke years ago by this guy who was too dumb to know that I was in love with him. The worst partis that I did the same thing to someone else after that. I reread his poetry tonight. Damn you, Brian Walden, for leaving me feeling so guilty long after you're ok. No, not damn you, damn me, for being so heartless as to think you would get over it as if it were nothing.
http://poetry.com/Publications/search.asp

My poetry from poetry.com

Bittersweet
I don't think I ever want to feel this again
I don't think my broken heart will mend
How did you ever manage to slip into my heart?
I never meant for this to start
Now it's too late to take back
Opinion can become fact
It was cold the day I met you
I wonder how I'll begin to forget you
It's cold in here now and maybe forever
Why did I fall for you? I wish I'd never
So sad to see I fall so easily
So bad to feel something so unreal
I wish I could start over again
This time I'd never see you as more than a friend
Then I would not have to think of love as something so bittersweet
I wish it was summer so I could feel alive in the heat

Cold Warmth
Your embrace feels warm
How I was fooled by that
But now I know the cold underneath
That you hide so well
You think everyone is blind to you
But I'm not impressed with your money or status or anything else
You are like ice, chilled to the bone
I thought I was melting you
How wrong I was
You are locked into your icy world
Never to leave
So I let you be


Complicated
It's twisted and tired
Complicated in the mire
And if you ask I'll be the liar
Because I cannot admit to what I feel
For you in this moment here
It's all too complicated
And you and me, both jaded
So why even bother
It's no use
No crossing that line
We have no excuse
So I'll be quiet
And you, just don't ask
I can look you in the eye
And hide it fast, so fast
I won't, I can't, I don't
But I do, if words must be true



Did I?
You think I fell for you
Is that something I would do?
You think you were the first to touch my heart
Would I let that start?
You think I let you in
Did I let you win?
You think I'm sad that you're not mine
Did you ever think you might not be my kind?
You think I love you
Did I ever say I couldn't get enough of you?
You think I wouldn't lie
Oops goodbye

Hiding
I hide the deepest part of me
I won't let you see
Don't try to get inside
I know how to hide
Don't ask what's inside my heart
I'll show no part
I clip my own wings
This canary will not sing
I am not free to fly
Please don't ask me why
I am weakening to your intrusion
I hold on to avoid confusion
Struggling not to let you in
I want to be the one to win
I will not love and I will not care
I won't let you strip my heart bare
I won't let you see my soul
I already feel not quite whole
I cannot let you break down these walls
You will not see me fall


I Can't Breathe
I can't breathe when you're near
Don't come any closer here
Let me get it together
It feels like it may take forever
Don't you dare touch me
A moment isn't enough for me
Don't try to get near my heart
I don't want to even start
Don't say this is what I need
Not when I won't be freed
Don't hold me in your arms tonight
Because nothing else would ever feel so right

I Don't, I Won't, I Can't
I don't love you anymore
I won't let you back into my heart
I can't allow you to wreak havoc in my life
Who do you think you are?
Back off now
It's over and done
There's no turning back
Get a life

Just A Dream
I awoke to realize it had only been a dream
I had not kissed your lips
Nor held you in my arms
I had not heard you whisper to me
Dreams are like satin
Until I am pulled from them
Softer than life's harshness
You never felt the things I dreamed
You never held me so tight
Innocently I dream
Never suspecting all the hurt I'll feel upon waking up


No Right To Be Hurt
I have no right to be hurt
Now that you have moved on
Especially after flashing him
In your face every chance I got
I am surprised that it hurts at all
I have been over you so long

Peaches and Cream
I look soft and sweet
Colored like peaches and cream
Strawberry hair
Blueberry eyes
I am tangy-sweet candy
I am all things nice
I am sugar and honey and cream
I am a fruit tart
I am temptation and a dream
I am innocent and dressed in white
I am Eve, here's an apple to bite
I am all that and more
In your eyes
Or did you think I didn't know?
To you, I am an angel with a devil's eyes
I am impish and lovable
I am naughty, I am nice
I am right here, I am beyond your reach
When that image is destroyed, you will see me

Sapphires and Emeralds
I never saw beauty in emeralds before
And sapphires I have seen all too often
Topaz was mysterious
Tiger's eye even better
Onyx was haunting and rare
Ruby would have been frightening
Opal strange and beyond possible
I could have gone without
My entire life
Loving only topaz and tiger'e eye
I did not ask for this
I asked to remain as I was
Not to contemplate sapphires and emeralds
Not to be tempted by shiny jewels
I would have had none of it


Sweeter Than Honey
Some say love is the sweetest emotion
Where did they get that notion?
Love is often bittersweet
Fading away after the summer heat
Show me a love that lasts
That doesn't fade fast
I'll take note of it
But I won't care a bit
I'm done with love, maybe forever
Though I won't quite say never


Those Eyes
Those eyes
They once captured my heart
More than your sweet smile
More than your soft words
More than your embrace
They were so gentle
And warm, oh so warm
I could not resist
It was beautiful to finally fall
To let myself feel finally
To learn the depths of love
I was in heaven
But then I fell back to earth
To feel an everlasting hurt
Tossed out of paradise
Into the cold world
You never would let yourself love me
I am so ashamed
Why did I let myself be vulnerable?
Why wasn't I good enough for you?


Well That's The Way It Goes
One look in your eyes made me melt
It was more than I had ever felt
I can't go back to where I was before
No matter where life takes me love was sure
I was tender and vulnerable only inside
You'll never know the tears I've cried
I thought it was meant to be
But you just could not love me
You were my deepest desire, precious dream
Love is not as it seems
I would have cherished you forever
But I know when to say never
I don't regret opening my heart to you
It wasn't hard to do
I'll never forget you even if I love again
Someday perhaps my broken heart will mend
Maybe some hope remains, but I'm not sure
I know you were the one I could adore
But unless your heart softens, goodbye
I'll never say I love you, never reveal I cry


Winter Dreams
Haunting me like shadows after dusk
Soft breeze whispering "hush, hush"
Silky like summer rain
Does anything remain the same?
I am torn between future and past
Built to break, built to last
Caught between mystery and what I know
Winter dreams or summer glow
Light reflected upon sand and sea
Free will or destiny?
Winter is full of hidden things
I understand the joy and sorrow summer brings
Why be so awakened in winter's grasp?
I would far prefer summer's gentle clasp

The hard questions

The guys I date know that I'm a virgin and that I'm 100% chaste, but they often ask if I've always been. It's the question I dread. I'm not perfect. I was (mildly) sexually assaulted twice by one guy, so if someone is looking for someone who is untouched, then he's looking at the wrong girl. The past is the past (and guys have put their hands on me many times after I've said no), so what can I do about it? I hate the question. I've even willingly made mistakes. They shouldn't even ask if I've ever Frenched kissed. I just gave that up a year ago. I hate talking with them about my past, so I should just tell them to read my blog. I'm not a bad girl, though there was a time I wanted to be. I have a raunchy sense of humor, but I'm not the girl who wants to...I think you get the idea. It's just not me. I'm basically a good girl.

Dark Haired Guys vs Red Haired Guys

So who is hotter, the red haired boys or the dark haired boys? Hmm...it really depends. Not all red haired boys are hot. Then again, neither are all dark haired boys. Dark haired boys tend to have the whole mysterious thing going on. Red haired boys tend to be nice and funny. But a hot red haired boy might top even the hottest dark haired boys, just because it's not the norm. I don't like guys who are too boy next door or pretty in a boring way or generic looking. Any guy I really wind up liking has got to be obviously unique.
Of course, I wind up with a different crush every few weeks. So one might say all of this is pointless. Dark haired guys are usually who I date. In fact, I've only dated one red haired boy. But I would so like to meet a straight, single, red haired Irish Catholic boy who would find me attractive. That is like the ultimate boy dream for me. I can't help it. I have red hair, so who better for me than a red haired boy?
But anyway, red haired boys are rare, so I will probably wind up dating dark haired men from now until the day I get married or die.
But, dear reader, if you know a straight, single, red haired Irish Catholic boy, send him my way.

I Don't Dig Blondes

I can't help it. I have no desire to date blondes. James swears he's not a blond, and even if he is, then he'd be a very dirty blonde, who should be referred to as having light brown hair. I don't know why I've never wanted blondes. They are usually surfer boy or boring pretty boy or too boy next door.

Top 10 Weird Relationships I've Had

10. Ryan- it lasted 3 days
9. Sean- we were best buddies as kids when we lived next door to each other, we dated as adolescents for two weeks, I was ashamed because I was two years older than him
8. Dustin- my adorable redhaired ex (who I should have never dumped-where the hell am I going to find another redheaded boy?), people thought we were brother and sister and it made them sick to watch us kiss
7. Eddie- we never actually broke up
6. Donald- I will never forget his announcement that he was uncircumcised on the bus home from school (and neither will anyone else), knocked me to the floor in the school hallway so hard that my vision went black when my head hit the floor
5. anonymous- we flirted for years without ever actually going out
4. Brian- he was fresh out of the seminary, and I was sick over it (but I'm not the reason he left)
3. James- I got engaged three months into a relationship and left him two months later
2. Glenn- I was with him 10 months, but I never really knew who he was because he was such a pretender
1. Joey- a long distance thing with a20 year old when you're 25 will not work

Not ugly remarks

Is this blog a joke? http://cellulite-tips-tricks.blogspot.com/. I mean, give guys a reason to think something natural on a woman is ugly! It's bad enough that we live in a world where men are hit with porn images everywhere they go,and the women in them are bleached, implanted, baked, lipo'd tramps. Where do men get ideas about real women from?

Sometimes I love boys!

"Pick the best answer v

funredheadpa...
1 week ago

(Tiebreaker)

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What do you think about Redheads?

23 answers
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Answerer 1

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They're no different than anyone else.

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Answerer 2

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Cute and full of energy, but i couldnt be with one.

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Answerer 3

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most of them are hot

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Answerer 4

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i think they r scary and freaks of nature. i know its wrong but i cant help it.

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Answerer 5

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they're my Kryptonite

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Answerer 6

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i love the way redheads look, its really unique cuz i hardly c them where i live

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Answerer 7

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Usually they're hotties!

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Answerer 8

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I think they should marry only other redheads,to preserve a dying genetic trait.

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Answerer 9

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i like em

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Answerer 10

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strawberry blond hair is really pretty. I heard people with red hair have a 66% more chance on getting cancer. I guess a lot of red heads have freckles. Thats why:) but i love red hair

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Answerer 11

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i love natural redheads!

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Answerer 12

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Their hair is REEEEEED

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Answerer 13

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sexy, firey, just what all guys need in their lives a red head

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Answerer 14

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Im one and there aint anything wrong with it!

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Answerer 15

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Love the "fire"...

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Answerer 16

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i married one, and im so happy they are really hot,

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Answerer 17

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i love them,they are wild and kinky

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Answerer 18

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Never met one I didn't like.

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Answerer 19

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I LOVE THEM !!!!! they are the BEST!!!!!

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Answerer 20

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They are my weakness. They usually have strong personalities because of all the crap people get them when they were growing up. I usually find redheaded woman to be very sexy.

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Answerer 21

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They usually have phenomenal breasts but skinny legs. It's a shame.

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Answerer 22

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I like red heads their cute

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Answerer 23

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I think about red heads often!!

I think they are naturally hot.

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http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060708113342AA73cQl

I Assume I'm Not Hideous To Guys

Unless they still have redhead phobia, which means they are too young (mentally) for me. I have long, slightly wavy, light auburn hair (like the best hair of anyone I know-yes, I am confident about my hair), smooth ivory skin (another area of confidence), big blue eyes framed by long lashes, soft lips with a cupid's bow, and breasts that I have caught many gus checking out (though they are not even a C cup). Actually, forget that. i don't want my breasts being what gets me attention. I'm intelligent and funny. I don't get it. Why do I have no confidence when it comes to guys? It could be the weight gain that came with the thyroid problem, though I have lost 8 lb and have already toned up a bit. I'll be losing more weight as more time passes, so I should be back in a size 8 before school starts. I wore a size 10 pair of shorts last time Ewa and I went shopping. Even before the weight gain, I was nervous around guys I liked. But instead of getting better as I get older, it gets worse. I guess rejection might actually mean something now. I'm not a teenager where relationships last between 3 days and 2 months anymore.

So there's this guy

Who I like, but I didn't mean to like. He's sweet and sexy. So cute. But I can almost be sure that there will never be anything between us. He sends some signals, but I'm pretty sure...nevermind. Wowee, though, he's adorable. My heart pounds when I see him. So loud I almost think he knows, but of course that's impossible. I wanted to lean over and kiss him, but I wouldn't do that (at least there's some place in this world that I wouldn't kiss a guy-possibly the only place because it would really not go ever well). Anyone who sees my profile can view both blogs, but oh well who is ever going to figure out who I'm talking about? I totally did not mean to like him. How do I do these things? I can't even guess his age from looking at him, though I would suspect he's in his 20s, close to my age. If I pass out one of these days, I will blame it on the heat!